Power Rankings: Cartoon Crushes

Growing up I had crushes on female animated movie characters.

So sue me.

(I swear that this is a normal thing.  If it's not, then I'll gladly grow a disgusting mustache and change my name to Chester.)  

As I was watching a Disney movie with my two year-old the other day, there was a particular animated lady that I remembered having a huge crush on. And that reminded me of other cartoon crushes.  And then it hit me.

I should do a power rankings of the best ladies of the cartoon variety.  

When I was getting ready to write this article I had a momentary panic attack where I thought a post like this would expose me as creepier than Chester the Molester.  So I texted Tanner to see what he thought.  Here is an excerpt from our text conversation:

me:  Random question:  Did you ever have crushes on female cartoon characters growing up?

tanner:  Heck yes.  Still do.  Belle and Ariel.  There's something about a mermaid's navel that's appealing to an impressionable young boy.  And I'm not going to lie, if Rapunzel were a real human, I'd date the crap out of that woman.

So here you have it.  Whether you like it or not.

(In case you're wondering, yes I am 24.  And yes, I am married. Quite happily I might add.)

Here are the rules:

1. There are no rules.  This is about as subjective, biased, and unimportant as any power ranking has ever been.  

First up, the Honorable Mentions:

 

Ariel.

Ariel's bare midriff.

Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)

Harley Quinn (Villain from Batman. Tanner's choice)

Pocahontas (we try to be ethnically diverse here at The Middle)

Tiana (ditto)

EVE (yes, I'm aware she's a robot)

 

Now for the top five.  

5. Ellie.  Up.  

Yes, I'm aware that she dies in the first ten minutes of the movie, but this is a tribute to the makers of Up more than anything else.  They're pretty much just showing off when they make you cry before the movie's really even started.  By the way, this is where that bias I was talking about earlier comes into play.  Up is definitely one of my top-two favorite animated movies (the other being The Incredibles), so I had to make some kind of reference to that movie.  And even though Ellie only gets ten minutes, she's definitely one of the more likable female characters in recent animated movies.

4.  Belle.  Beauty and the Beast.
I think most guys from my generation had a crush on Belle growing up.  She's smart, she likes to read, she's tolerant of crazy men, she doesn't put-up with d-bags like Gaston, she likes hairy guys.  She's perfect.

3.  Rapunzel.  Tangled.
 Despite the old-school clothes, I feel like Rapunzel is one of Disney's hippest and trendiest princesses.  Plus she's voiced by Mandy Moore, who was a high school crush of mine, so that definitely helps.  Plus she uses a frying pan as a weapon and has extremely useful hair.  It should be noted that Rapunzel only makes this list with her long, blonde hair, not with her short hair at the end of the movie. 

2.  Mulan.  Mulan.

Mulan.  Do I really need to say anything else?  She kicks butt, she can hang around guys and not be weird, she's got Eddie Murphy for a pet, she knows how to accurately aim rockets at cliffs under extreme pressure,  she gets cut up by Genghis Khaan and still manages to save her boyfriend from the back of a horse in the middle of an avalanche, she hugs the emperor, and she bags Donny Osmond.  Oh and she's Asian.

1. Roxanne. A Goofy Movie.

My biggest crush growing up.  And she's a mouse.  Or is she a dog?  Let's not talk about that.  Roxanne summed up perfectly every girl that you ever had a crush on in high school, but never had the balls guts to talk to. Vicariously living through Max as he does his bad-a concert to win her over then dancing on stage at a big concert while he knew she was watching was one of the reasons why A Goofy Movie was always  (and still is) one of my favorite animated movies (number 3?).